Bleeding fingers and not-problems

Her fingers are bleeding again, as they do from time to time. She is stressed out again, as she is from time to time. And, as it is from time to time, her fingers continue to tear at the skin around her cuticles. Even though it hurts, she'll tear. Even though it leaves her long, slender fingers broken and rough, she can't help it. She calls it a nervous habit, as it is. Part of it is her mild OCD, requiring her to make things smooth. But the rest of it is her stress and fear and worry. And she is very stressed, afraid, and worried.

She says her life isn't really complicated. It's not at all, she says. I'm just tired. But whether it's her exhaustion that stresses her out, or her stress that exhausts her doesn't matter much anymore. The stress makes her seek wildly for sources of release. She drives too fast to be safe, nearly crashing all too often. She reads constantly, anything she can get a hold of. She draws on everything, smudging and sketching. She drowns herself in music until her ears ache. And she won't go to bed at night. Even though she's exhausted. Even though her eyes are swollen and red. Even though she's been crying for the last hour. She won't sleep.

Being tired leads her down the same path until the next night comes and she still hasn't slept. And she cries in desperation. But she hates sleeping because she'll have to wake up and face everything again. But don't ask her what 'everything' is-- after all, nothing is really wrong. She's just tired.

Never mind the fact that she feels very alone. That she lives with room mates and can't even be herself for fear of their judging eyes. That's not a problem.

Nor is the problem that she still feels alone with her best friend because she realizes she'll always have her best friend, but never a boy friend. That's not the problem.

And still not the problem is the one man in her life she loves whole heartedly who can't even stand within four feet of her before walking away suddenly. Who won't call her. Who says no kind words, only teasing remarks. And she can't walk away from. That's not the problem.

Also not the problem is that she has so much to do. She attends school five days a week. She ensures 100 people get a magazine every month, despite their best efforts to avoid her. She has her leg exercised weekly for an hour. She does her homework. She spends about 4 hours a day driving. And on top of that is trying to write a book. That's not the problem.

The problem is not her failing body, either. She has learned to deal with the fact that her leg will never be the same and her stomach doesn't process food right. That's not the problem.

The problem is she won't admit that these are all problems. So her fingers continue to bleed.