In pain

She lay in a bed, far from home. Her friends slept around her, but she breathed in pain. The snow outside was chilly but distant. Each breath was a struggle, a stab in her chest. She shifted to stop it, and cried out. On all sides they rose up, her friends by her now. Deep breaths, they say, you have to breathe. She cries in agony, hot tears in ache. She cannot speak into the phone. Her father on the other end tries to calm her. She can only weep as the ambulance arrives. She can hardly move as she stumbles downstairs. She rests on the shoulder of a friend. She curls up on the stairs waiting. The ambulance is silent, for it is the early morning. Still dark, the road is icy. She is cold now, when she was hot. She wears a coat loosely. A needle in her hand. Her blood pressure is sky high. A fever through her body. She can only writhe beneath the harness. The gurney is not soft, but she does not sense it there. The ride is short, despite the great distance. In the hospital, strangers ask the same questions. The pain is subsiding. They feed her hand medicines. She begins to feel anxious. Drinking vile smoothies, she wants to hurl. Anxiously writhing now, she cannot shake this feeling. More medicines to the hand. She sleeps. Awakened hours later under a machine. Photograph her stomach, they say. You'll be fine they say. She has no pain, so she believes them. But the next day, she's in pain. For the next few weeks she's in pain. A constant stabbing pain. She can bear it, usually. Sometimes she is crumpled on the floor in tears. And now, this moment, she lays on the floor. Tears around her, her body an explosion of glass shards. Alone, she calls for someone to save her. But no friends sleep near her now. No phone to beg for daddy. She suffers alone this night.

Concerning Jennifer

The words were said so carelessly,
Your friend has taken her life.
I wanted to deny this thing.
Make them take it back.
I wanted to throw things
I wanted to scream
To cut off my hair
To cry and to ream.
But all I could do
Was sit and to ponder
Of how much I missed you
An unsurpassable number.
I miss the way you smiled,
Or the way you did your hair.
You always were so trendy
A smiling, tender care.
You had a way of laughing,
That made me feel on top.
We used to be a threesome
Me, Annie, and you,
We went to school together
Made memories so true.
I don't want to cliché words,
I don't want to be cheesy.
But I miss you so much right now,
The words just won't come easy.
Some people said it right before,
So I'll say it right again.
I miss you here and now galore,
It aches an awful pain.
But I know with tearful faith,
I'll see you in the kingdom.
We've lost this little time,
But forever gives us freedom.

Week Eyes

When my week begins, a part of me dies. It curls up tightly and it cries and it cries. I get up each morning and look at my eyes. They always seem puffy and red rimmed and dry. I go to the places where people wear ties, they set up canvases and paint up some lies. Aiming for perfect I end up as "tries." Wasting my time on horrible guys. I wish I could wake up afloat in the skies, where weekends are endless like spiraling dyes. I'd wear them for ages until they were nigh, and left them there stripped and covered with flies. Eating my days away waist high in pies, I'd stare out with the window surrounded by sighs. So when my week starts, a part of me dies. And when it is ended, I come back alive.

Stages

The charm and sparkle has gone out of life. Everything I once loved to do is a card board cut out on a pathetically made stage. The clothes I loved to wear are dingy and cold. The music that I listen to is pointless and empty. The movies I would watch leave me bored within myself. All I have that feels real is this very painful ache inside my chest. It is physical pain, this ache. A hollow, reverberating echo. Filled with cold, dark smoke and fumes. It poisons me. I cry and cry to purify the filth, but it only seems to worsen. I sleep to ignore it, but I wake up more confused. I cannot dream. I loathe to eat. I hate to drive. To move. To think. I want to break things. I want to scream. But my voice is swallowed by the abyss inside my chest. I can barely whisper. I can hardly see through the tears. They don't fall and no one else can see them.

I am a walking hole, sucking in all that is good for no purpose or gain. My life is flimsy wallpaper and torn posters. My music is the drip of a faucet on the tin sink. My car is crate on an uphill slope. My movies are a flip book, only two pages long. My dreams are snails and ants. Everything is horrible and vile. I want nothing.

Nothing but you.

Before you, I was normal. As normal as I usually am. Used to be. Maybe never be again. You were not there. And I didn't even know it. That was my saving grace. But then you entered via stage right. And my glowing, glittering, elaborate set of a life--grew brighter. It seemed to expand. More actors! More music! More costumes! It was enchanting. And I didn't even know it was from you. I thought you were another actor. I was still waiting for the leading man. And for an entire act, you were the friend of the leading lady. But somehow--somehow--I fell in love with you. Until, quite suddenly, I was in your arms. All possible problems forgotten. The stage was fully lit, the entire world in bloom. My costume seemed to flower and glitter. All was a dream.

And again, in some way, your confusion was debilitating. You didn't expect to be my leading man. You didn't expect me to be your leading lady. You feared the audience. You feared the cast. The crew. Everyone else but me. My feelings were secondary to theirs. That was the knife through the heart in the final act. The poison in my ear. Entirely? The poison tipped sword to barely knick my flesh. A wound no single person can see, but slowly killing me. Until I awoke from this death to find my stage in shambles. The curtains torn and faded. My costume in pieces. The cast and crew gone. The audience remained, their eyes glued to the stage, thinking it was still the story. My carefully planned lines were suddenly wisps of smoke choking me and my dreams. My stage--my life. Ruined. I miss the color. The lights.

But I miss you the most. I would burn down the entire theater for you to remember me.

And so, with the charm and sparkle gone. With the stage destroyed and faded. With the costumes pathetic. The lines floated away. With all of this, I remain. My lovely lie of a life has faded and fallen to bits, leaving only the hole in my chest. How I die within myself.

Whatever I be

As I lay here on my bed, I imagine what I could be.
Whatever I could imagine, so long as it's not me.

I could be the ocean, vast and wide.
Tumbling through storms and throwing a tide.
Engulfing a universe of life, I would teem.
I'd cover the earth in an endless stream.
I'd sparkle in the sun and draw men to me.
They would swim and surf in my sea.

I could be a hummingbird and flt through the sky.
Entrancing the world as I zoom by.
My hearts beats so fast it sounds like a whir.
I'd shimmer and shine as I fly in a blur.
No creature could catch me, and why should they try.
I have a long beak on which they could die.

But I guess in the end, I'll end up the same.
Here on my bed all alone, once again.
Without any friends, my family has flown.
The boy who won't love me is off on his own.
So I'll lay here until I can no longer think.
Then I'll get up and go wash in the sink.

Candidates

Step right up, folks, step right up.
No need to be shy, I say, no need.
Take a good gander at what I have for you.
The finest in all the land, I insist!
Have you got a question?
I have an answer!
Let's solve your problems!
Just take a look at what I've got!
You can pick your favorite one!
At the end of the day, I'll let one of them free!
Your choice, folks, your choice!

Do you like the Elephants?
Aren't they strong!
Wouldn't you like one around the town square?
How useful!
This one here, is a little old.
But what doesn't get better with age!
Don't work him too hard, folks, he might not make it.
Or this one!
He's young and strong!
Doesn't he look good, so pristine?
Very healthy creature, fed on the healthiest of foods.
Ah, then there's this one!
Careful what you do around this one, folks.
He's very strict about what's good and bad!
There would never be a more wholesome town!
But make sure he stays out of trouble himself.

But wait, there's more!
Donkeys!
Don't eat as much as elephants!
True, they aren't as strong as elephants.
But they're smaller!
This one here is the only female of the lot!
She's a little shy, but she comes with a male donkey--for free!
Here's a unique donkey!
Never see another donkey, like this one here.
Acts almost like an elephant, really.
Here, look here!
This one looks familiar doesn't he?
That's right, he was a part of a package deal a few years back!
Now he's yours, if you want!

Okay, folks, which will it be?
An elephant or a donkey?
I'll give you one, and let it go.
You can keep it in your town square!
What?
What's that?
You don't want either?
Why not?
Elephants are noisy and messy?
I suppose that's true...
What about a donkey?
Too dangerous?
I guess so...
But it's free folks!
Come back!
Don't wander off!
Wait!

Why won't you pick an animal for yourselves...