Original Me II

Things I have said via email that made others laugh:


You WOULD regret it for the rest of his life. If you could sneak the packages past my ninjas, that is. My fleet of desert mirage ninjas that will descend upon your house and replace your head with your doorknob, your doorknob with the nearest cat, and send your head (in various pieces) to all of the people who dared to purchase the sacred chadderpops. And upon receiving said packages, those people will call the police, who will come and arrest them because my ninjas will have planted evidence (irrefutable evidence, mind you) that will send them all to prison. And in that prison, they will be ignored by every inmate until they are forced to seek affection from the walls and shivs. And they will send your knobby face letter laced with arsenic and that bee hormone (that attracts other bees) and you would die horribly in a bathtub as your body is swollen with bee stings, and tiny bee corpses fill the tub making a horrific scene. The police wouldn't even both to look for the arsenic that would have seeped into your blood stream. Meanwhile, the tree would be transplanted and never again seen except in super bad footage that end with the murdering of the camera holder. Which would be sold for some insane amount of money.

So I wouldn't sell those if I were you.

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You say "Tim" and I say, "Curse his soul."

You say, "Wrong one." and I say, "My bad. Curse his name's soul."

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Yay for hopes and dreams and Matty things!
With Kitties, and Timmy's, and a Chad that sings!
Oh yay for the forum where everyone rocks!
Now shut your mouth up and just let me talk.

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I am also the best float-awayer. Oh, I am also the best float-awayer.

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Don't you say I'm evil. I'll take you down to the pit where the fearmongers tear out your soul.

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Matty, I love you more than the northern light on the frozen waves. More than the echoes of a lost child. More than the broken shells in the Mayan gardens.

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Joe is made of the lunar eclipses of the northern tundra. His outer shell glimmers like a hesitant lightning strike, and his inner soul emits a florescent gold light that will burn YOUR SKIN OFF IF IT TOUCHES YOU.

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My toothbrush is made of the light from a supernova! It starts out small and then explodes into a spiraling rainbow of colors that you have never seen. It then turns white and glows blindingly. It gets warm, then hot, and the heat sterilizes my teeth. Of course, the toothpaste is made out of black holes so all the tooth gunk gets sucked into the oblivion which is the 87.9Lth dimension. My teeth cleaning experience is galactic and pristine!

My OTHER toothbrush looks like a Les Paul Epiphone, special II. It's black with a sunburst and has a black guitar strap with blue lightning bolts on it so I can hang it on the wall, beside the toothpaste that is shaped like a fender amp. And when I plug my toothbrush into the toothpaste, and play the tiny guitar/brush my teeth get cleaned with music!

And my toothbrush in this time and space is blue.

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But Cilia is made of moonbeams and giggles!! D: I want her to remain a glittery, braided stream of light!

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In a magic kingdom that is protected by a magic dragon, with a magic spell cast on it? And a magic princess is trapped in a magic tower waiting for her magic prince to magically save her from her magical impending doom. And the magician who has magically captured her is planning a magical hostile take over of the neighboring magical kingdom (which is made up of magic unicorns). And the magic prince lives in a magic garbage can down the magic alleyway, where a magic fairy is magically fluttering down to tell him about his magical future.

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And then I roll my eyes and suddenly glow so brightly you all go blind and I have to take care of you all forever.

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Limey, tangy, skinny fail.

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If I could grow a beard, and were on the male side of the species, I would grow funky beards too. And it would crazy. And fuzzy. And I would find you, Cilia, and freak you out with my crazy bearded antics.

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How sad. Sad in a bucket. Along with lonely and boring. Although, lonely is in its own bucket.

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LIKE MAGIC AND SUNSHINE AND VARIOUS OTHER AMAZING SURPRISES.

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I am still me like the sun is still the center of our personal universe, like Sisely is the love of your straight life, Chad is the love of the 73rd dimension me, and the color orange actually just a ring behind your eye.

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Your lies are cute and appreciated.

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Everything is an option. Options like I could choose jellybeans when asked what I want to wear to the prom. Doesn't make it a good idea. But I can still choose it.

BTW, I want to wear a jelly bean dress to the prom and dance to Ricochet in it so the jellybeans can fly off and bounce around and hit people. It'd be amazing.

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I was so luke warm about that song and then with that intro, it exploded in my mind. An expanse of dark purple suddenlies and deep blue misplacements. And light.

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I will destroy you. It will involve puffer fish, eye droppers, and orange mugs. A twitchy Romanian will help me, and a beautiful blonde will disappear the evidence afterwards.

All witnesses will be subject to similar treatment, though I make no promises of Romanians or Blondes.

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it would be like injecting straight shots of silvery, fluid into your veins and heart because when it hits your SOUL it erupts into a fountain of light.